I'll be Okay

I mustered every ounce of courage I had to meet him yesterday. It seems like I was hanging on by a thread ever since that day, and I don’t know if we’re okay or not. On some days we were normal, talking and smiling, and on other days there was complete silence.

Someone asked me earlier if there’s something wrong with me. I smiled and said everything’s fine, but I guess she knows me better? She guessed it right, and asked me what happen. What exactly happen? I’m not sure myself. Maybe he really just got tired of my antics. Honestly now I think it would be much easier for me to accept if he said he found someone else than to just back off for some unknown reason.

Not that my family won't understand me, but I don't want them to worry. Depression is real, dangerous and yet addictive. The fact that I can be smiling and acting normal around people but breakdown the moment someone asks me if I’m okay shows that I’m really not okay. The fact that I curl up even when we were talking yesterday, and the fact that I’m having insomnia and swollen eyes due to this shows that I’m only human, and it’s definitely not easy on myself.

I’m just not prepared to talk, for now. It’s really hard to be going thru this again. I’ll box up this feeling and chuck it to the back of my brain for it to sit by itself one day.

I’ll be fine one day. I’ll get back on track and get over this. Just not today, not now. Despite us not having any actual relationship, it hurts. Badly. But I’ll be okay… one day.

Xox,