The First: The Love that Looks Right
My very first love: B'gosh. I knew him during my rebel days when I was about done with secondary school. One of my girls had this guy contact and he wanted to meet her, so eventually it was 3 on 3. At a bench on East Coast Park. I lied to him about my age, cause I cannot be bothered.
But then we clicked on so well, and we were inseparable. We were never an item, but he was there every single time. & during every riding session, when my girls met with different group of guys, he'd be my only rider. During the years we were "just friends", he never once disrespected me.
It was exactly what it was - the love that looks right. And after all the motivation from his friends and mine, we got together. I was the innocent one in love, never doubtful and never judging. He had his freedom, and I had mine. We both had our family's approval, but I guess we were growing up too fast, and after a while our interest were not aligned & we went on separate ways.
The Second: The Hard Love
The one that hits me the hardest: Soulfly. It was during my polytechnic days, and I was just here and there after the breakup with my first. I just went thru the operation for my spine and was back at home resting. One day this guy added me up on Facebook and started chatting up to me on msn (legend or what, haha!), then we started webcamming. Once I got better, he suggested a meet-up. But because I was very skeptical, I told him to just tag along with my friends since we're going clubbing. & we've been catching up ever since.
When we finally got together, there was 1001 things that was in our way. But I thought that if I hold on to the relationship strong enough, we will make it. Damn, we even got engaged. The challenges we faced after we were engaged got even stronger, and I got hurt and pushed to the limit time and again. I don't know how many times I wanted to give up but I keep on telling myself to make it work. Even when I know that our relationship is way beyond salvage. Even when my feelings for him got drained over time. Until that very last straw, I remember calling my mom & said "Ma, it's over. I want to break the engagement. Please don't ask me any questions, I will answer you when I'm ready. Just help me call his mom and say this is over. No need for our families to meet for a formal ending, just end it".
Only God knows how much I suffered days, months and years after that. The shit I went thru, and how strong I had to be to pull myself up after that 3years of relationship. I've only told bits & pieces to my mom and my sister, and only a certain few know of the whole story of my very beautyfool relationship.
The reason why I've always been away every October in the following years is because it hits me hard on that particular month. Sometimes too hard it's hard for me to face people when I'm here in Singapore.
The Third: The Love that Lasts (in shaa Allah)
And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.Honestly, after the second love, I was building brick walls to guard my heart. & although there was/were guys here and there - it was all too cliche. I can no longer tolerate guys who are overly manja, cheesy, demanding, obsessive, etc. I needed a guy who fits the bill nicely, someone who can talk to me about dragons & aliens, and also religion & present time news. I needed a guy who can accommodate my overly complex mind and utterly fragile body, yet still want to be with me.
Then comes this guy: MFS. Our very first exchange of words was when I was puking under a tree right outside his workplace. His first words to me was "Wah dekni muntah pon nak cekak pinggang". Subsequently, our very minimal conversation was only "lighter?" It wasn't until an incident that we started texting, and even then it was fully friend-zone from the start. Zero thoughts of even being with him.
But as time passes by, we got closer and one day he said "Do you think it's too early for us to get married?" Of course I brushed it off, and I told him that I leave everything to God. But before he even has the intention of marrying me, he needs to answer me on the reason why he wanted to marry me. Because in my head and heart, I don't need someone who will answer me with cheesy lines, or someone who will answer me saying that he can provide for me and such. I can very well provide for myself and I know that I'm not pretty and model like. I told him that I will ask him again after a certain period of time (can't remember how long).
The day came and I asked him "So, why do you wanna marry me?". He answered:
"I want to marry you for the sake of Allah. To fulfill half of my deen, and lead you to Jannah, in shaa Allah".Honestly, at that point of time, I was taken aback and I kept quiet. His answer was like the light I was searching for. & I said to proceed. And so we did, his family officially came over on end December last year to officially ask for my hand in marriage. We were secretly engaged for 7months before we got married on 07.07.2018.
I'll talk more soon,
Xox
