Just When You Thought You're Okay

It’s nearing the end of February, and I thought I’ve been handling it well all these time. But lately, it seems that I have a hard time keeping up with myself. I’d have random flashbacks and feel utterly disappointed for what has happened. It seems that I’ve become worst from what I was back in 2016, where I was constantly trying to improve myself every other day.

I don’t know what triggers this feeling, but included in this feeling – is that scary feeling of loneliness. I start to miss the company and attention that I got when he was beside me. Somehow it’s taking a toll of myself. I definitely can’t open up myself for the fear of losing someone again, but I crave for attention even for the nitty gritty things. Was I being spoilt throughout the 4 years’ span? Guess so.

Someone I know tells me to stop what I’m doing and just open myself up. But I know that I’ll be too vulnerable if I were to do that. I fall easily, I know that I’m not as strong as what I portray myself to be. If I were to start breaking down the walls I’ve built for myself, who will protect me then? Who will catch me if I fall? Who can I turn to when I want to run away from everything?

Sometimes I wake up by the door

As if that heart you caught is still waiting for you

Even now when it’s already over

I can’t help myself from looking for you

Up until now, what happened between you and me is a best kept secret. But it’s killing me how I cannot share what really happened to ease my pain. It’s not that I fear anything, but I think that you deserve to still be known as the nice guy, despite what you did. You treated me well enough, aside from that one thing. So maybe, is it time for me tell my story?

Friends can break your heart too, and

I'm always tired but never of you

If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit

I put this real out, but you wouldn't bite that shit

I type a text but then I nevermind that shit

I got these feelings but you never mind that shit

Oh oh, keep it on the low

You ever wonder what we could have been?

You said you wouldn't and you fucking did

Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix

Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed

Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing

Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance

I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing

P/S: I'm sorry for the sudden late night texts and calls. I know I'm not supposed to do this but I guess I just needed to. I hope you'll just pretend you didn't see/hear them and continue like how we are now. I hope you'd stop being nice to me, so that I can hate you, and move on for reals.

Xox,